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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:24:21 GMT -5
A husband went to the police station to file a missing persons report.
Husband: "I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet."
Officer: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Average, I guess."
Officer: "Slim or healthy?"
Husband: "Not slim, but probably healthy."
Officer: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes according to season."
Officer: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Not sure, either a dress or a suit."
Officer: "Was she driving?"
Husband: "Yes."
Officer: "Color of the car?"
Husband: "Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door..."
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:24:44 GMT -5
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:24:57 GMT -5
A small piece of rope climbed onto a barstool.
The bartender said he did not serve rope in his bar, and tossed it out to the street.
The rope asked a passerby to tie him into a knot, and then ruffle both ends.
The rope went back into the bar, the bartender looked down at him and said, "Hey aren’t you that same piece of rope I just tossed out?"
The rope responded: "No sir, I am a frayed knot.”
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:26:02 GMT -5
A Roman walks into a bar
Holds up two fingers and says five beers please
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:27:15 GMT -5
Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turned to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:27:56 GMT -5
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:28:11 GMT -5
Q: What rock group has four men that don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:29:42 GMT -5
An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies:
"So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!"
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:29:59 GMT -5
Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:30:33 GMT -5
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."
The idiot says, "Okay."
The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.
The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
The idiot hands over $5
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:30:45 GMT -5
A man goes to a housewarming party.
He turns up the thermostat then leaves.
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:31:21 GMT -5
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.
The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, "What do you want?"
The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food."
The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!"
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:32:31 GMT -5
Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bob's boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.'
His boss is sceptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know me.' 'Fine,' says his boss, and he's determined to have Bob be embarrassed, so he decides to put the bar high: 'President Obama.' 'Cool, no problem,' says Bob.
A week later they're both standing outside the White House, and Obama comes out, spots Bob and goes "Bob? What are you doing here? Come in, bring your friend, let's have a drink together." Bobs boss has no clue how, but somehow Bob and the president are friends. Once they leave his boss goes 'Fine, you know the president, but I bet you don't know the pope'.
Bob accepts the challenge, and the next week they're standing in Saint Peters square. 'This isn't gonna work, he's never going to see me here when there's this much people. You stay here, I'll go talk to him and you'll see me on the balcony, the guards know me too.' Half an hour later, Bob and the pope appear side by side on the balcony. Bobs boss gets a heart attack, and Bob goes to visit him in the hospital.
'What happened? Did you not expect me to actually know the pope?' 'No, it wasn't that, I sort of expected that to happen. But there was a tourist next to me that asked 'Who's the guy in his pajamas standing next to Bob there?'
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:32:48 GMT -5
"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:33:02 GMT -5
A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:33:25 GMT -5
A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: "Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son."
The father replied: "Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad."
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:34:01 GMT -5
A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.
Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.
Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone, "We're both okay, we should celebrate."
So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.
The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.
The woman closes the bottle and put it away.
The man asks, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
And the woman replies, "No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:34:14 GMT -5
My grandparents were taking me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:34:30 GMT -5
I have a fear of speedbumps...
But I'm slowly getting over it.
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:34:45 GMT -5
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye."
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on."
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye."
The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on."
The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:35:10 GMT -5
The solar panel says, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"
The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:35:35 GMT -5
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:35:52 GMT -5
Why did Peter Parker get fired?
He spent all day on the web.
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:36:11 GMT -5
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:36:31 GMT -5
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:36:44 GMT -5
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:37:10 GMT -5
Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:37:50 GMT -5
A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said,
"Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent.
"Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!"
Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked,
"Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?"
The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied,
"I walked home".
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:38:05 GMT -5
What was the shy rock's wish?
To be a little boulder!
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Post by El Borak on Nov 8, 2022 19:38:29 GMT -5
A young waiter just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver.
The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; "Can I take your order sir?"
The truck driver replied, "Sure kid, I want three flat tires and two headlights."
The young man was very puzzled and said, "I beg your pardon?"
The truck driver said again, "Look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights."
The young man was still puzzled, but replied; "Yes sir, whatever."
The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook.
He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.”
The head cook said, "I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him."
The cook said to the waiter "Here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this."
The truck driver said, "Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights."
The waiter replied, "Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!"
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