The 2500 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

[The Archivist]

1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing."
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN.
1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.
1429. Even if I did manage to work all the lyrics to 22 Acacia Avenue in character in the game, no bonus XP.
1430. If the party goes out like 300, that's cool. Thelma and Louise not so much.
1431. When the DM sobers up, my paladin's flumph mount is as good as dead.
1432. Using my prior knowledge of the adventure to force the game along while encouraged, is discouraged.
1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
1434. Emergency supplies are not for childish pranks.
1435. The "Dibs" system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Malleus.
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby.
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book.
1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the next to top floor.
1440. Can't start the game with echolocation.
1441. I will not wait until the first combat to tell the new guy that the lower his AC the better.
1442. In the middle of a Black Ops I don't have time to elope.
1443. Wizards do not have to save against carpal tunnel syndrome.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
1445. If I take a Buddhist monk I get lots of combat bonuses that I can't use without violating my religion.
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects.
1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time.
1448. No such thing as preemptive last rites.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
1450. Cannot summon an elemental out of any material that only exists in a laboratory environment.

[The Archivist]

1451. Cannot name my Droid WEG-D6
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems.
1453. When the dwarf has an idea, no making the "He's drunk" motion behind his back.
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well to often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
1456. Will not blow all my skill points on just ballroom dances.
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party's action.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower.
1461. I will not insist on playing a LAM pilot just to see if the Robotech lawyers were really serious.
1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.
1463. I will not take Resources 0 and Status 5 and just confiscate money as I need it.
1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.
1465. My sideburns cannot earn their own fear rating.
1466. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops.
1467. I will not sing other characters' kids to sleep before, during or after the black ops.
1468. None of the Summon Animal spells will get me the drummer from the Muppets.
1469. No crossclassing just to get all the different animal sidekicks.
1470. Will not break it to the other player her 3 1/2' elf is not taller than my 3'6" tall gnome.
1471. The party will not enter into a tontine, that just encourages the evil players.
1472. No matter what the rules say, I can't chase the villain around the map indefinately.
1473. When I'm told to get an alias, they didn't mean that chick with the azure bonds.
1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
1475. There is more to playing a Finn than cellphones, reindeer and sniper rifles.

[The Archivist]

1476. Even if I have a salient point, I won't call the Rush Limbaugh show in the middle of a Black Ops.
1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood.
1478. Burning Orb spell doesn't cause jock itch.
1479. Using the time machine to put 'W' at the front of the alphabet is silly.
1480. I will not add the restriction "only to cook eggs" to any of my super powers.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.
1482. Even if Detroit can do it, I can't add the trait "Randomly bursts into flame" to my car.
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should drop a house on the witch.
1485. No amounts of dots in fashion will let me use my bio-varg for formal wear.
1486. I cannot convince the entire party to play Squats.
1487. I cannot take a sidekick if all he's gonna do is trail us with a high powered rifle.
1488. Dropping a tree on the lich creates more rules problems that its worth.
1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos.
1490. I will not use the ventriloquism skill to deliver bad news to the Emperor.
1491. Even if the rules allow it, can't add the High Speed Pursuit Option to a steamroller.
1492. I will not turn the DM into a drinking game.
1493. No metamagic feat lets me add fragmentation to my spells.
1494. When playing a teleporter, I will buy the ability to actually teleport.
1495. I will not just buy the ability to teleport everybody but me.
1496. When I'm out of character, the hand puppets come off.
1497. I will not use the time machine to make "Don't blame me, I voted for Tilden" bumper stickers.
1498. Shooting him in the foot first does not give me a bonus to the ridicule check.
1499. Even if historical accuracy is important in the adventure, I will not become the Nazi Nazi.
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown.

[The Archivist]

1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed.
1502. My first wish can't be to invalidate the previous character's last wish.
1503. Despite what the rules say, it doesn't take 45 minutes to choke a 10th level fighter to death.
1504. I cannot take the parachute skill until somebody invents the parachute.
1505. We are not going through the phone book to see who's name is a killing word either.
1506. It is not automatically assumed whatever vehicle my cop commandeers is a monster truck.
1507. North Equatorial Kansas is not a real state.
1508. Nowhere in the timeline is Superfly McBoomboom a US vice president.
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in invisible ink.
1510. The Movie Phone Guy can't be the voice of the ship's computer.
1511. No using the time machine to set the "Star Spangled Banner" to anything by White Zombie.
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.
1514. I will make it abundantly clear the guy playing my mortal enemy is a good friend in real life.
1515. The Pope does not have cyberpsychosis.
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg.
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1518. My Sniper will not kill all the bad guys before the rest of the party is in range.
1519. In the middle of a Black Ops I can't sell my niece's band candy to the hostages.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait.
1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren't exactly healthy to vampires.
1522. Outside of Kingwood Community College moose antlers do not mean 'Out of Character'.
1523. Stain glass windows are not a standard feature on Panzer tanks.
1524. The spell Extract Water Elemental doesn't work on Water Elementals.
1525. I will not waste critical successes on drumming.

[The Archivist]

1526. Can't use my pistols to communicate in Morse Code.
1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron.
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual
1530. We are not sneaking in Mordor dressed as tour guides.
1531. Even if it does take the thief 10 minutes to search the room, that's not enough time for a quickie.
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the the DM's riddle.
1535. The spell is called Prismatic Spray, not Taste the Rainbow.
1536. Before we start the dungeon crawl, I don't have to have my monk oiled down.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
1538. My mage can't just sleepwalk to get around resting for spells.
1539. When the power gamer sleeps, can't move the camp down the road.
1540. Can't lure out House Laio mechwarriors by announcing a Chinese Firedrill.
1541. While highly effective, grabbing his a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on.
1542. My superhero didn't survive the purge of supers by just playing left offensive guard for the Detroit Lions.
1543. My warhammer doesn't have a claw part.
1544. Not allowed to just blow the supports under Menzoberranzan.
1545. No matter how appreciated, I have to have a better super power than 'cures cancer by touch'
1546. I can't spend Ship Points to put a Starbucks on the bridge.
1547. I will stop making up Space Marine Chapters.
1548. My netrunner's icon has to be something other than the Space Invaders ship.
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
1550. The Dirty Harry 'Feeling Lucky Punk' speech doesn't work with a longbow.

[The Archivist]

1551. During the Black Ops all cell phones go on vibrate.
1552. My Lunar Class Cruiser has more than one bathroom.
1553. I can't wish my girlfriend was hot like you.
1554. Archvillains don't care about zoning restrictions.
1555. No matter how well I roll on my intimidate check, France won't surrender.
1556. I do not have weapon proficiency in Craftsman.
1557. I will not horde Electrum in 2nd edition because I know it will be phased out.
1558. No Dire Marmot mounts until they publish the rules.
1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.
1560. My character is not addicted to the Feeling, the Shindig, or Love.
1561. Not possible to tattoo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anywhere on my body.
1562. Weapon codes mean Bludgeoning, Slashing and Piercing. Not Ballistic, Serrated and Pneumatic.
1563. Dwarves have to take the platemail off before sex.
1564. Superspeed gives immunity to friction.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.
1566. Bunk Cards are not for 3 card monte.
1567. I don't get to play anybody's Shadow.
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization.
1569. The opening lyrics to Rock of Ages are not an acceptable substitute to a real plan.
1570. No signing infernal contracts in disappearing ink.
1571. Can't bluff the Empire at Hoth with just a whole bunch of snowmen.
1572. The Navigator has Warp Sight. Not Insane-o-Vision.
1573. Attempting to woo the Space Elf Clown does not turn the adventure into a Harlequin romance.
1574. I do not have to scan the Romulan ambassador for cooties.
1575. Apaches do not settle arguments by Indian Leg Wrestling.

[The Archivist]

1576. I will tell the new player fantasy games means gnomes and wizards not assless chaps and jumper cables.
1577. The degauss gun is not a real gun.
1578. Every time the halfing gets a critical hit I don't have to feed him a snack.
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker.
1580. I will not spend 30 minutes of the game trying to buy an accordion.
1581. I will stop using crew as hit points.
1582. I need to stop telling new players bards were the original prestige class.
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1585. Vegepygmies are not a part of this complete breakfast.
1586. The Progenitor's job is not just to supply 'the good stuff'.
1587. There is no way the Iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security.
1588. It's not ok to stick the Syndicate agent with the check every single time.
1589. We aren't calling the NWO agent at odd hours just to answer trivia questions.
1590. We will buy a GPS already so we don't have to drag the Void Engineer everywhere.
1591. Rokea do not make pacman noises when they attack.
1592. If the Solar cringes, it's time to reassess my alignment.
1593. Even if the rules allow it, I can't build myself an Imperator Titan.
1594. Flak armor is not just a muscle shirt with the word "ARMOR" stenciled on it.
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.
1596. Even if she's the most dangerous, the party doesn't appreciate me killing the naked chick first.
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
1599. There is no prize for having the prettiest werewolf.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.

[The Archivist]

1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.
1602. Druids have many roles in the party. Minesweeper is not one of them.
1603. I am not El Vago the Gay Blade.
1604. When told to pick a number between 1 and 10, the answer is not pi.
1605. I cannot have a bluetooth telegraph.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
1607. They do not sell tire spikes at Kaybee Toys.
1608. I cannot kill any man in a way made famous by Rutger Hauer.
1609. Even if I am captain, I can't have my men portage my frigate.
1610. If the GM says 3d6 straight down, he didn't mean it if that gives me a pixie fairy berserker.
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1.
1613. No matter how much they enjoy it, no juggling halfling children.
1614. I will stop telling the noob the Star Wars universe celebrates people exploding at the age of 25.
1615. Despite what the rules say, a dracheneisen life preserver is a bad idea.
1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.
1617. I will not take the flaw Enemy: Paranoids.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.
1620. I will not use the druid's chakram to play frisbee with his dire wolf.
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies.
1622. Militech does not have a wedding registry.
1623. Can't thwart the Cylon's massive attack just by installing Norton Antivirus.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
1625. Verbena weigh more than a duck.

[The Archivist]

1626. My character's favorite color is not Burnt Umber Hulk.
1627. Getting a blue chip for humor does not entitle me to an acceptance speech.
1628. If all the players have to pool their d6's so I can roll for initiative, time to retire the character.
1629. I can't medal in ass kicking.
1630. Starships do not have to drop anchor.
1631. Starfleet's rules on using the Holodeck for recreating scenes from Caligula are very clear.
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats.
1633. If Plan A was 'Beat it out of him' Plan B can't be 'Just ask nicely'
1634. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.
1635. No bioengineering dolphins to shot laser beams out of their blowholes.
1636. Animals native to Australia are not eligible for my druid's companion.
1637. 'Dibs' is not a term of bereavement.
1638. Using the dwarf as a battering ram is expected. Other siege weapons not so much.
1639. No giving a character a dumb name so he can pick fights over it later.
1640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut.
1641. No matter what it says, my intelligent vorpal sword is not getting rewarded with a candy bar.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode.
1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.
1645. One more bad pun for a character name and I'm forbidden from playing in the Furry RPG.
1646. I am not Wombatman.
1647. Any character requiring the GM to tab more than 10 pages of rules for reference is vetoed.
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can't spend all my money on leather, whips and barbed wire.
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them.
1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.

[The Archivist]

1651. No teaching halflings how to fly.
1652. My negamagician will not taunt the wage mage Brer Rabbit style.
1653. The power gamer would appreciate me not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing.
1654. A warning shot is not one that just wounds him.
1655. No using the halfling as a grappling hook.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes.
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean 'he likes to watch'.
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window.
1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.
1663. There is no such thing as a 'bad touch attack'
1664. If my Rogue Trader manages to arrive before he leaves, no cleaning up on the lottery.
1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
1670. Dungeons are not handicapped accessible.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard.
1672. I will remember the Incredible Luck super power is illegal in Vegas.
1673. I will not start dating another character's archenemy.
1674. I cannot start the game radioactive.
1675. If an enemy fails a stun check, that does not give me a free hit for flinching.

[The Archivist]

1676. Before I get it on with the green chick, I'll make sure she's supposed to be that color.
1677. Before I sass the power gamer, make sure the other players got my back.
1678. I don't get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback.
1679. No amount of character points lets me start as the Beatle's bagpiper.
1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.
1681. Just crossing his fingers behind his back is not an option for my paladin.
1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
1684. No making up euphemisms for death.
1685. There is no Neurotic Book of Fantasy.
1686. Dodge Everything While Standing Still is not a real spell.
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab.
1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products.
1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
1691. True Sight doesn't tell me what the NPC's treasure type is.
1692. Buying the alternative identity advantage is perfectly legal, unless it's Elvis.
1693. When asked to describe my room, can't use Smaug's lair as a template.
1694. Debauchery is not a stat.
1695. Can't load the shotgun just with rock salt because I'm feeling mean.
1696. Yes, Les Paul is a guitar god. No, he can't grant spells.
1697. Can't use the Decanter of Endless Water for water skiing, the Jacuzzi, or a wet tabard contest.
1698. Andorrans are not closely related to smurfs.
1699. The Astromech appreciates it if we'd stop using him for ordinance delivery.
1700. Even if the rules allow it, Lawful Good deities don't appreciate human sacrifices to them.

[The Archivist]

1701. Can't clear out a dungeon by sneaking in and running a generator while they sleep.
1702. Even if it's historically accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them.
1703. The time machine is not for finding ringers for our baseball team.
1704. Even if we're playing Werewolf: The Wild West, can't play the Lone Ranger.
1705. If my boss wakes up to find a young Frank Sinatra won American Idol, no more time machine for me.
1706. Before anybody makes a demolitions check, I will raise my hand if my skill is the highest.
1707. In the middle of a black ops, can't play 'will it bounce' with the penthouse furniture.
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK'd by a jerboa.
1709. Even if its really cool, no throwing dry ice on the water weird.
1710. Mooning M. Bison is not an appropriate stunt action.
1711. I will not spend all my starting cash on the stock market.
1712. Can't take out the villain by just propping a bucket of acid over his door.
1713. It is not necessary for the villain to say 'Uncle' before I accept his surrender.
1714. My martial artist has to actually know a martial art.
1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death.
1716. Summon Para-Legal Elemental is not a real spell.
1717. The spell Summon Vacuum Elemental is not for household chores.
1718. I don't have to name everything we discover after myself.
1719. I can't forge out a new Elven homeland by conquest unless the Elves want a new homeland.
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is Lennie Briscoe, he dies.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if its just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
1724. No matter how well I make my Animal Wrangling roll, can't saddle break a Los Diablos.
1725. No god's vestments include gogo boots.

[The Archivist]

1726. If I kill more goons with my rifle than the rest of the party without firing a shot, time to retire the character.
1727. When facing the classic weight balance trap, can't use the halfling for ballast.
1728. Can't have a gun that doubles as a jump jet.
1729. "Large things that hurt badly? is not an appropriate focus.
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
1732. Even if the rules allow it, can't start a Vestenmannavnjar Dixie Land band.
1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire is not.
1734. We aren't continuing the mission until everybody is clear on the term "Going in hardcore"
1735. "Come here often?" is not what you say when rescuing the princess from the necromancer's dungeon.
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar Watership.
1737. There is no par on a dragon.
1738. Even if I write it, can't have my own theme song.
1739. The rules don't cover laugh tracks.
1740. If the villain performs a kind act, can't blackmail him with it later.
1741. Klingons don't have a French accent.
1742. We aren't relocating the campaign to Texas or Florida for tax reasons.
1743. No taunting characters about what they lost in the latest errata.
1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense.
1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings.
1746. Even if my culture has no spoken language, the campaign will not turn into a game of charades.
1747. There was no conspiracy to keep Wales out of 7th Sea.
1748. Can't target microscopic organisms with spells.
1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex.
1750. A barbarian is not just a fighter with less feats and more anger management issues.

[The Archivist]

1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug.
1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies.
1753. No challenging sleeping people to a duel.
1754. No hogging all the brute kills.
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.'
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian.
1757. The princess' menstral cycle doesn't factor into her rescue.
1758. Dr. Suess has no place in an exorcism.
1759. Doesn't matter what I just killed with it, the howitzer is not going to qualify for holy relic.
1760. No risking profit factor to buy groceries.
1761. Star Destroyers are already baby proofed.
1762. If my character causes Camelot to look like King Lear he dies.
1763. If I just rolled the same chart result 8 times in a row, I will lie about the result if I do it again.
1764. No spending stunt points to play 'Yoink! Got your nose!' on a Genlock.
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform.
1766. No starting a character with 4 swordsman schools.
1767. No I can't Google the villain's secret weakness.
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later.
1769. I can't disarm the monk. At least not literally.
1770. I don't have to be faster than the other investigators. They have to be faster than my bullets.
1771. If my actions singlehandedly put the Drow on the endangered species list, time to retire the character.
1772. No using EHarmony to find a cleric for the party.
1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
1774. Battle Mauls can't double as coup sticks.
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.

[The Archivist]

1776. They don't make weapon grade schnauzers.
1777. No using goldfish as improvised weapons just to get the dual weapon bonus.
1778. I don't have to buy a child seat to take the halfling anywhere.
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.
1780. No using the friendship virtue to start a harem.
1781. Beatlemania is not an acceptable dementia.
1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination.
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah.
1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.
1786. Albanians do not count as furries.
1787. I will stop telling people my high elf is just a drow with a bad case of vitiligo.
1788. Even if it takes an hour before it's my turn again, can't kill time with solitaire.
1789. Doesn't matter what the map says, can't drive a sports car through the villain's lair.
1790. Can't find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and see who's still standing.
1791. Can't make the genie's head explode until everybody else has had their wish.
1792. Let's keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars.
1793. A comeliness under 15 doesn't mean I can't be on MTV.
1794. Can't use party members for ante.
1795. Not possible to corner the market on weapons they don't have rules for yet.
1796. The halfling language is not just baby speak.
1797. Getting the dwarf fixed isn't going to improve his disposition.
1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail.
1799. They don't make healing potions in diet.
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.

[The Archivist]

1801. When challenged for rank, can't make the challenge 1970's NBA trivia.
1802. Leave off the Chaotic Evil alignment on the teaching application.
1803. Can't convince to party to play Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Not their music, the actual band.
1804. The epic villain killing weapon requires a quest to obtain, not $35 at Pruett's Guns and Ammo.
1805. I won't mention a celebrity that causes another gamer to go all stalker. Sorry in advance Jeannie Mai.
1806. Before we start a band of pirates, make sure the game isn't set in a landlocked nation.
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus.
1808. Even if I buy enough for everybody, snuggies alone will not raise crew morale.
1809. If I get to pick my position in a star spanning empire, can't pick Fire Chief.
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me.
1811. Doesn't matter what I rolled, my ork can't have a space surfboard.
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.
1813. My troll's biography will not include the phrase 'sweet, sweet love'
1814. My battlecruiser does not inclue a discotheque, bowling alley, IMAX, or strip joint.
1815. Can't have a gun capable of using other PC's as ammo.
1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes.
1817. Can't target the starship's radiator.
1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
1820. Let's not see how far I can lower crew morale before the game begins.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.
1822. When told to play a teenage high school girl, that doesn't include East German swimmers named Sergi.
1823. Despite what you'd think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn't restore my humanity.
1824. 'Getting Uppity' is not a capital offense. Even to a Rogue Trader.
1825. No taking Peace Activists as favored enemies just because they are easy targets.

[The Archivist]

1826. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon, make sure he's clear on the spelling.
1827. No starting Fight Club.
1828. Remember to take the helmet off before I use the acid spit ability.
1829. Darth Vader does not need his air filter changed.
1830. Deer Season is restricted to rifle or bow. Not greco-roman.
1831. Drunken Master is a feared martial artist. A Drunken Journeyman is not any 5th level dwarf.
1832. No result on the Impact Critical F chart reduces a foe to base elemental components.
1833. If we're short on cash no starting a telethon.
1834. Star Destroyers don't have help desks.
1835. Can't take poison immunity, coat my food with cyanide, and see who's been stealing my lunch from the fridge.
1836. A talking animal sidekick is okay. One that sings Disney tunes is roadkill.
1837. I won't ask how a 9' combat monster with no concept of subtlety starts with a +1D in stealth.
1838. Can't lure ninjas out of hiding with a game of Marco Polo.
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks.
1840. Doesn't matter if I get bonuses for eating fallen foes, no spending requisition on condiments.
1841. No using ventriloquism to trick the Khorne Berzerkers into slaughtering each other.
1842. You can't suplex a lictor.
1843. Can't land the drop pod on the villain.
1844. Even if the rules say otherwise, I can't actually use 500 grenades in a single mission.
1845. I will use the security skill to open the door, even if it's easier to just rip it off its hinges.
1846. If the Ork makes his check to solve higher mathematics, his head doesn't explode.
1847. No picking a sorcery that is actually unplayable as written.
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota doesn't count as a disguise check.
1849. There is too an elven word for monogamy.
1850. There is also an elven word for heterosexual.

[The Archivist]

1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires.
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes.
1853. I can't chew gum during chapter briefings, even if I brought enough for the entire Space Marine Chapter.
1854. TSR is not hiding Golden Tickets in Mystara Gazetteers.
1855. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian.
1856. I will refer to the radar contact as a Blitzer-72 MBT, and not as a TPK in a can.
1857. No unloading all my remaining ammo in the last bad guy so I don't have to carry it back with me.
1858. The answer to 'how to spell sousaphone' is V-E-T-O.
1859. No challenging Death to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe until he gets bored and quits, ensuring my immortality.
1860. Summary Execution Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero, even if it is accurate.
1861. Can't take a favored enemy I can't kill for another ten levels.
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip shoot a cannon.
1863. I will stop asking the Ultramarine why his chapter's primary color isn't ultramarine.
1864. Even if paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn't stand for trouble.
1865. No wasting Music Man references on a 10th grader.
1866. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a poisonous lascannon.
1867. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.
1868. Playing the Who doesn't give me a bonus to forensic checks.
1869. You can't count coup with power weapons.
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero.
1872. My Rogue Trader can't upgrade his ship with a ice rink, duck blind or vomitarium.
1873. Stormtroopers will only fall for the broken comlink trick so many times.
1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program.
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack.

[The Archivist]

1876. I will stop telling the new players gnomes came from Sverfneblia.
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
1879. The halfling's natural enemy is not the pedophile.
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly.
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram.
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings in his pack without penalty.
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him.
1885. Considering we don't have a TARDIS or a bag of holding, we can stop speculating on how they would interact.
1886. Can't trick the GM into starting a conversation between the Doctor and Inspector Columbo.
1887. If I use the leap skill to individually jump over every goon in the room, when I reach the other side I can't demand to be made royalty.
1888. Even if the rules allow it, my marine can't requisition a rolex.
1889. Slapping a meltabomb on the Emperor's Children marine and putting his resulting efforts to get it off on Youtube gets me a Corruption Point.
1890. My Rogue Trader doesn't have spend Requisition Points on feminine hygiene products.
1891. Dreadnoughts don't get conjugal visits.
1892. No matter what the module says, slaughtered and dissected scientists cause more san loss than frozen dogs.
1893. Can't take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan.
1894. No mounting my rival's anti-gravity plating on his ceiling.
1895. The Escaped Fugitive background doesn't include from Disney Teen Musicals
1896. Even if they have blond hair, blue eyes and are proud of their physical perfection, Aasimir don't appreciate Seig Heils.
1897. Assist Other actions helps in combat, not with crossword puzzles.
1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twilek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot.
1900. Verbena are not water soluble.

[The Archivist]

1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber.
1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn't violate anybody's religion.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead.
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.
1905. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character.
1906. I will ask permission before performing an autopsy in another character's hideout.
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.
1910. I don't need to know the melting point of orcs.
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.
1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.
1913. Can't postdate a letter of marque.
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting.
1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism.
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns.
1917. "The ability to do anything, as long as it's not that hard" is not a real superpower.
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peek at the future. Again.
1919. There is no needing for a dark brooding vigilante of the night in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
1920. "Shakedown" is not a art skill specialty.
1921. In the middle of a Black Ops can't run up the target's cable bill by ordering PPV movies on his TV.
1922. Can't air hump the king from behind while he's performing demagoguery.
1923. Electrokinetics are not allowed anywhere near the President's teleprompter.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head does not improve morale.
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.

[The Archivist]

1926. DM's don't appreciate being dubbed.
1927. Can't filibuster other characters.
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems.
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment.
1930. The wizard's familiar does not have to save vs. leg hump.
1931. MkVI armor's drawback is not random chicken noises.
1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey.
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.
1935. It's not possible to become addicted to healing spells.
1936. You don't have to be lawful evil to be sentenced to Devil's Island.
1937. Not my fault if you can defeat the labyrinth by just making right turns.
1938. When the game designer asks me my opinion about the new edition of his game, open weeping is not appreciated.
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1940. Blasting the distress signal from orbit is forbidden, even if it would have avoided the last six ambushes.
1941. Qunari aren't automatically angered by the color red.
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text.
1943. I will not attempt to gnomeoform Faerun.
1944. Even if the King is represented by a miniature, I can't put him in checkmate.
1945. No prisoner gets special treatment, even if he does look like Robert Goulet.
1946. No improvising, winging or fabricating funeral rites.
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.
1948. Having an electrotech in the party doesn't mean I get to leave my phone charger at home.
1949. Can't free the hostage with a surprise game of Red Rover.
1950. Not allowed to start the campaign having sex, especially with another PC.

[The Archivist]

1951. Can't use the international date line to get around once per day restrictions.
1952. There is no bluff check in the world that gets around divine retribution.
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.
1954. Swedish accents are great for vikings, ninjas not so much.
1955. No tagging the sleeping dragon with "Bilbo was here".
1956. If we end up playing Illuminated martial artist superheros protecting the Mad Lands from the Chtorr, we will reselect the source books again with our eyes open.
1957. There is no way to diplomatically ask the Gaius if he's going to finish that sandwich.
1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof.
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.
1960. I will not use the commune spell to find out who is John Galt.
1961. No spending more points than the villain to make his assistant more loyal to me.
1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say.
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf.
1964. No talking Hastur into suing Voldemort for trademark infringement.
1965. Can't send the party out on an epic quest just to get some alone time with the missus.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking mad scientist.
1967. A Shemsu-Heru kamikaze pilot is funny once.
1968. Even if there is no naming convention given, Tal Vashoth are probably not named Larry.
1969. I will keep all eldritch artifacts of ungodly power out of the reach of children.
1970. Even If I need to practice it, if I'm playing Batman, I lose the Russian accent.
1971. Giving my media the paparazzi template does not actually cause humanity loss.
1972. No probating Dunkelzahn's will.
1973. I will quit pestering the techpriest on whether he's AC or DC.
1974. Despite what the rules say, you don't have to be a 19th level bard to play Alice's Restaurant Massacre.
1975. No using the weapon critical hit charts to play bingo.

[The Archivist]

1976. The identify spell doesn't work on mystery meat.
1977. If I managed to roll up a half ogre knight errant on 3d6 straight down, no gloating.
1978. Naming the half ogre Sir Loin of Beef is gloating.
1979. The University of Wisconsin does not have branches in Lankhmar, Waterdeep or Blackmoor.
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we douse him with hot water.
1981. No wrecking the Millennium Falcon in the prologue.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of plot armor, can't use her for cover.
1983. Even if it's the coolest spell ever, can't just go around exploding everyone.
1984. A paladin of the god of obituaries job is not to just kick butt and take names.
1985. The surprise in the surprise attack comes from its speed, not from the shattered eardrums of the breaching charge.
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.
1987. After the battle my Astartes is to spend his time training and in meditation, not choreographing Gilbert and Sullivan numbers.
1988. No result on the critical hit chart splits the atom.
1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun.
1990. Even if we crashed the opening of the last eight adventures, still have to name our new starship.
1991. Medium Well is not a phaser setting.
1992. Can't fly standing up.
1993. Squeezing a termagaunt like bagpipes isn't going to turn him into a machine gun.
1994. There is no instant replay in Hackmaster.
1995. The proper response after making a very tough bluff check is not a TD dance.
1996. If any player ends up in lingerie, the game is over.
1997. Better believe if I berserk for two straight hours I'm going to feel it in the morning.
1998. The wookie isn't allowed anywhere near conditioner.
1999. The evil twin flaw doesn't count if he's fraternal.
2000. Despite what the dice just said, I'm not the personal god of Michael Phelp's agent.

[The Archivist]

2001. A Saber tooth tiger is not an acceptable second in a duel.
2002. No flashbacks to the death of the disposable expository NPC at the start of the adventure.
2003. Any gun whose damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed.
2004. Just because I took the large advantage does not let me rampage through Tokyo at will.
2005. Can't just program the probe droid to go to light speed through the Star Destroyer.
2006. Torpedo spheres don't just go off on accident.
2007. No taunting Darth Maul with the fact Uncle Owen had more lines, more screen time and a more memorable death.
2008. No spending money from the Raise Dead fund on ice cream.
2009. I will make sure when the GM asks what my fetish is if he means voodoo bag or brunettes with short hair.
2010. Improved tax evasion is not a real feat.
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife.
2012. Apothecaries can't perform emergency skullectomies.
2013. Can't convince the entire pantheon to all take spiders as their fourth domain.
2014. In the middle of a black ops I don't have time to set all the target's phone handsets to maximum volume.
2015. If World War III is looming, I will not spend all my character advances on just liberal arts degrees.
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2017. Off duty Astartes wear robes, not wife beaters and speedos.
2018. Spending my Rank 4 instead of Rank 5 priority on human does not make me more human than human.
2019. Even if the elf fails his willpower check, we don't need to change him.
2020. There is only one mounting option for Mr. Stud. This is not optional.
2021. Even if used correctly, branding irons do not count as non-lethal weapons.
2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen.
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.
2024. Despite how practical it would be, I have no need for a dracheneisen tuba.
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus.

[The Archivist]

2026. I will not try to bring back nipples as a superhero fashion statement.
2027. Boernings fully understand the concept of personal space.
2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical.
2029. In the middle of a black ops, I can't order 1500 pizzas to be delivered to the target the next day.
2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill Trade: Interior Design
2031. Even if the kids love it, the Cone of Cold spell is not for making toboggan rides possible in August.
2032. If I ever trick the DM into telling us the only way to make money mining is to work the shaft, all my characters die. Not just in this game either.
2033. Even if the rules allow it, I can't conduct a television interview and maintain a choke hold at the same time.
2034. Can't spend all my starting points to build a Renaissance version of Las Vegas.
2035. Cylons don't have a four year life span.
2036. Darth Harmonious is not a real Sith Lord.
2037. No matter how many times it's already been retconned, I can't change the story of the origins of the Sith every time we play.
2038. Even if it's a friendly pick up game, it's a bad idea to dunk on Vader.
2039. I will remember Captain Reis has the "Immunity: NPCs with no name" advantage.
2040. Characters with the curious disadvantage are not acceptable substitutions for the Identify spell.
2041. There are no additional bonuses to guessing the right card if we're playing Go Fish with a Deck of Many Things.
2042. Any attempt to breed Bearowls is doomed to failure.
2043. If I knock out Ryu while I'm blocking, it's time to retire the character.
2044. If I'm not allowed to go back in time to kill the villain, I can't just bring him to the present as a child either.
2045. No scanning the periodical table for an unused element to base my superhero around.
2046. The very thought of improving my humanity by osmosis costs humanity.
2047. Dwarven ale does not double as jet fuel, industrial solvent or colic medicine.
2048. No secretly setting the Netrunner's modem interface to 8 bit.
2049. No matter how pissed off the Verbena makes me, I can't put her on Glenn Beck's mailing list.
2050. Can't use the bureaucracy skill to indefinitely delay a rival going through customs. Yeah, made no sense to me either.

[The Archivist]

2051. DM's don't appreciate the Socratic method.
2052. The following are not acceptable favored enemies: Torries, Cartoon Characters, Wichita Falls.
2053. If the GM is a woman, can't play a space otter to gain cute points.
2054. If the rules require me to multiply several stats by 10,117 to get another stat, can't do it long hand in protest.
2055. I will try to keep the number of pages the GM rips out of his playtest binder to a minimum.
2056. Can't stealthfully follow the villainous wizard and backstab him every time he tries to cast a spell, even if every rogue in the world does it to our wizard.
2057. My druid will stop insisting we place all expended magic items in the appropriate recycling bin.
2058. No uploading to the villian's electrotat the video of me shooting him.
2059. Even if I no longer lose SAN around them, no domesticating nightgaunts.
2060. When describing my superhero, I will stop at "Molly Ringwald Man"
2061. Note to self: Pinata golems are a bad idea.
2062. Even if I have enough rope and have nine attacks a round, can't garrote a hydra.
2063. Despite Hawkman, Batman, Antman and Spiderman, Red Snapperman is not a legitimate superhero name.
2064. The wish spell can't affect the order of the alphabet.
2065. Even if I buy off the Nemesis disadvantage doesn't mean we can't still be enemies.
2066. Snipers don't appreciate their spotter yelling out "BOOM HEADSHOT!"
2067. Can't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet's windshear.
2068. If my character's name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters.
2069. No explaining battle plans to the tune of a Jerry Reed song.
2070. The spell is "Heat Metal", not "Detect Piercings".
2071. Even if the Corporation prefers PC terminology, an interrogation is not 'kinetic information retrieval'.
2072. Power Word Sarcasm is not a real spell.
2073. Even if the rules might allow them, we can't all play Ogryn warcasters.
2074. I will not give into temptation when presented with a decanter of endless water and an opening to the underdark.
2075. Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to land my Veritech like Ironman on the deck of the carrier every single time.

[The Archivist]

2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.
2077. If I abandon the game for alone time with my fiance, my PC dies. Ask me if I freaking care.
2078. Just because the DM prefers D&D to alone time with a smoking hot fiance doesn't mean the party gets to question his gender preference.
2079. During the Time of Troubles can't forward my prayers to another god.
2080. The Bohemian Earspoon is not an appropriate weapon for a paladin. Or anybody else for that matter.
2081. 'Horn Dog' is not a real Dwarven caste.
2082. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen.
2083. 'Fifty Shades of Grey Dwarves' is not the new Duergar sourcebook.
2084. We can't steal all the treasure from the giant magical scales, even if we do undertake an engineering project that dwarfs the Hoover Dam.
2085. My Legionaire can't spend resources on a 16 ton weight he can drop on people with his mind later.
2086. Qunari don't take smiling damage.
2087. No matter what experience say, West Virginians do not make the best Mythos Investigators.
2088. If I have to buy a second warehouse to store all my spare magic weapons, time to retire the character.
2089. Even if it is a real way to kill somebody, I can't burke the bad guy.
2090. The following are not real Cyberpunk festivals: Night City Comiccon, The Killit Festival, Grenadeapalooza.
2091. Can't just target the villain's star fighter, even if it's the only one of its type in the battle.
2092. Before entering Denerim we don't have to delouse the Dalish.
2093. Can't trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and then ending the spell while he swallows.
2094. Liechtenstein has no need for weapons of mass destruction.
2095. Can't trick the time travelling bad guy into a shoot out with his past self.
2096. We aren't looking at the various kingdoms' tax rates before deciding where to dungeon crawl.
2097. Vecna was not the inventor of the organ donor card.
2098. Even if I took it with me with the full intention of using it, a manhole cover counts as an improvised weapon.
2099. Since they don't participate in the Olympics, I can stop writing R'lyeh's national anthem.
2100. No matter how big these sewers seem to be, we aren't finding a Shipley's Donuts down here.

[The Archivist]

2101. There are more uses to ninjitsu than just dodgin process servers.
2102. I will not make any plan that hinges on the medicinal value of dire wombats.
2103. Even if he is Lawful Evil, the villain isn't going to respond to a jury summons.
2104. They don't make civilian models of chain guns.
2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by smearing myself with mud.
2106. You can't crank start a warjack.
2107. Tharn aren't allowed to take cooking skills.
2108. Even if I have the model for her, Satyxis can't be disk jockeys.
2109. Doesn't matter if he is a Son of Bragg, "Hey Baby" is not a Trollkin mating call.
2110. Trollkin cannot puff out their chins like frogs.
2111. Warjacks do not prefer bacon favored coal.
2112. Khadorians primary weakness is not temperate weather.
2113. I can't saddle break: A dire troll, a Kodiak warjack, or the Butcher.
2114. I can't clear out a dungeon by just throwning a ball down the entrance and telling the Nomad warjack to fetch.
2115. Just because the Nyss decided to become a fire sorceror doesn't mean she hates her parents.
2116. One does not just 'whip up' a priestess of Loviator.
2117. I will not buy skills for weapons that don't exist yet.
2118. No more arguing over whether my Ogrun looks more like Fabio or Lorenzo Lamas.
2119. The Ogrun language does not sound like the Ewok victory song.
2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.
2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
2123. No regifting cursed items on Christmas.
2124. The DM will notice if the entire party is named after the Houston Texans offensive line.
2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don't have to save vs. cannibalism.

[The Archivist]

2126. There will be no more arguing on whether Eowyn could have killed MacBeth or McDuff could have killed the Witch King.
2127. The following haircuts are forbidden to Ogrun: Pompadour, Flock of Seagulls, TV's Frank
2128. The elf punk has more options in her downtime than just accordian practice and torture porn.
2129. I will refer to the other player's sidekick by her name and not just "Your make believe Chinese lesbian girlfriend."
2130. My first priority in the Apocalypse is not finding a monster truck or finishing my Lord Humongous costume.
2131. The Apocalypse was probably not caused by Grips, Mimes or French Maids.
2132. Despite Hollywood's claims, not all renegade cops keep miniguns under their desks.
2133. If my starting Star Wars character is immediately set upon by an escaped Rifts character, wadding up my character sheet and throwing it at him is not an appropriate form of surrender.
2134. Before resorting to burlesque, we will explore all other options on how to sneak past the security camera.
2135. I can't make an acquisition test in the middle of combat to hire away the rival Rogue Trader's crew.
2136. I will not let the GM threaten me with "Do your worst" if my character was based on Feyd-Rautha.
2137. Even if I am playing a Ravenwing marine, I have to get off the motorcycle eventually.
2138. If the game retcon's my characters god, I will not start the orthodox faith of the old version of the god.
2139. You can't critically hit with a nuclear weapon.
2140. Even if the rules allow it, you can't slip an object into a person's pocket if the object is larger than the person.
2141. After clearing out the dungeon, I won't animate all the dead orcs and leave behind the copper pieces so the next party won't be totally disappointed.
2142. No matter how many points I've put into Perform, I can't use my mandolin as my sole method of communication.
2143. Wishes have no effect on errata.
2144. I will stop referring to Satyxis as "two pointers."
2145. Satyxis don't shed their horns every fall like elk.
2146. Satyxis aren't related to Qunari.
2147. There will be no more jokes about the GM's horny bikini wearing pirate chick fetish.
2148. When asking if I'm cross playing, they didn't mean if my character was Christ.
2149. You can't plea bargain regicide.
2150. The cryokinetic's default job is not to protect the cooler.

[The Archivist]

2151. Just because the dwarf hits name level doesn't mean we owe him a bar mitzvah.
2152. Getting four guys each with a different 25% Mythos Lore doesn't mean we win Call of Cthulhu.
2153. The "fur" and "lust" domains shall never meet.
2154. No reminding my lieutenant that "Neidermeyer" can be used as a verb.
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.
2156. Even if my metamagician has his twinned, enhanced, empowered, maximized magic missile readied doesn't mean I can tell people to "make my day"
2157. Doesn't matter if we all have different costumes and names, the group is vetoed if its clear we're all Thor.
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.
2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn't mean he starts at MSNBC.
2160. The ability to calculate Thaco in your head does not increase attractiveness.
2161. Invoking Andre the Giant only works once to win an argument with the storyteller.
2162. Can requisition items nobody in the squad knows how to use.
2163. Before starting an underwear clad pillow fight, I must first make sure the party is not all dwarves.
2164. There will be no further product placement in the mission evaluation videos.
2165. To cut down on the number of Mexican Standoffs, there is only one commissar allowed in the squad now.
2166. The Weeping Angels natural enemy is not the goldfish.
2167. The answer is never "Dwarven River Dance".
2168. No starting a bidding war during character creation to see who the Pet NPC likes best.
2169. Can't use a water gun to make the Aslan follow orders.
2170. Step 1 in the party's preparation for the quest is not a mani/pedi.
2171. Can't reduce the difficulty of an autopsy check by skipping the 'put everything back where you found it' step.
2172. Even if its beneficial, no changing the number of limbs on a character without the other player's consent.
2173. Better benefits doesn't justify alignment conflicts with an organization.
2174. If another PC dies, no bonus xp for going through all 7 stages of grief before the end of the session.
2175. It's best we don't let the paladin anywhere near customs.